Watermelon Lump

Maybe its a coincidence, maybe not. On Saturday January 21, 2006 it will be exactly 8 months that I left my husband. Saturday January 21, 2006 I have an appointment to fill out divorce papers. As I write the word divorce, a lump the size of a large watermelon forms in my throat. It's so over... so final. So many people told me not to marry Ray. No one had faith that he would be a good husband. Not one person said it was a good idea. But of course I married him anyway. Only for him to prove everyone else right. When I first met him he was totally sweet and caring. After a while he just became an ass. Why I married him I have no idea. I found out I was pregnant with Marcello just two weeks before he left to Iraq for 6 months. I went through the whole first 6 months alone, other than Francesca. She was the one that cared about everything. He never asked how I felt, like he didn't care about the baby I was carrying... or for me. I will never forget how much it hurt when he came home from Iraq. After being gone for 6 months with only a few phone calls here and there and maybe one email a week, you would think you would hug your wife who is 7 months pregnant or at least say hi. He asked me where I parked. Other guys had flowers they had bought the night before at one of the stops... Other boyfriends and husbands hugged the wives or girlfriends and seemed like they never wanted to let go. And then there is me... 7 months pregnant and all my husband says is "Where'd you park?" and hands me his oversized jacket to carry, as Francesca talks her head off as she follows him. Francesca and I were so excited for him to come home that neither one of us could sleep that night. But when I saw him and it seemed as though he forgot who I was that feeling fell to the floor. I cant forget that feeling... it's the same feeling I have now.
So many people ask me if I love him. He's my husband. Is it possible to just stop loving someone you planned on spending the rest of your life with? Cause if it is, can someone please let me in on it? I'm not getting divorced because I want to, I'm getting divorced because I know the marriage wont work. Ray has never said he wants to get divorced but he's never said he wants to stay married. He says he wants to move over here and work things out but in my heart I know he's full of shit. I think I am more in love with the husband he was suppose to be rather than the husband he was.
It's very late so I will continue this tomorrow...