Last Sunday was my last day in my first two classes. I was so nervous about my final essays and tests. I was nervous I'd finish the class with a C grade or maybe a B. I was getting an A in both classes before finals but for some reason I thought that I would do horrible with my finals. I turned in my two essays and quizes. I waitied for a response on both of them. The days went so slow and I would get even more nervous when I check my newsgroups and I didnt see a response. Well, I have finally gotten a response from both teachers! :) I am so excited!

My teacher for my Persuasive Writing class gave me an A :) On my final essay I got 300/300 and she wrote that it was EXCELLENT. I didn't even get one point taken off for anything! You have no idea how excited that makes me! Then in that same class we had a grammar test. Ok I SUCK at grammar when writing. So I was REALLY nervous. Well, I got a 47.5 out of 50! She wrote that mine was the best in the class! SO I am pretty happy about that!

My other class was Skills for Learning in an Information Age. I liked the class but was still nervous about the "Survival Guide" I had to write. Well, I got 250 out of 250! WOo hoo for me!! I am so happy!

So right now I have a 4.0 in school! Have I ever had a 4.0? Ummm maybe in like 1st grade! You knwo I have been doubting myself that I can do this. I am a single mom, I work full time and Im living on my own. I knew that other women had done it but I really wasn't sure that I could. Now I know I can and honestly it makes me feels so good!

Kinda off topic but Ray AGAIN spent a couple hundred dollars at a strip club instead of paying me child support. So in reality I am not getting ANY help from him. He doesn't see the kids, doesn't buy them things they need or send money so I can get the things they need. Well, yesterday I told him that until he is going to act like a father he will not have anythign to do with us. Tough shit. No one is forcing him to pay me so no one can force me to let him talk to them. Fuck it. Take me to court. I will win as soon as they look at his past records and everything... Anyway, he called last night to see if I was serious and I said you better bet your life I am! He said that he knows he fucked p this and that, like he always says. I said you knwo what I am doing better now than I ever did when I was with you. You can go on living your fucked up life but we are not going to be in it. You are NOT going to fuck with my kids or my life anymore. I put up with it for WAY too long. I am so proud of myself and everything I have done since I've left you I have NO reason to go back. And then I hung up. I am not putting up with his shit anymore.

Since I have left him I found a job I LOVE LOVE LOVE. I got my own place. I started school. I have been so happy for the most part LOL I do have days where I am so sick of everythign but then I go to sleep and it's all better. :) Yes the kids drive me INSANE but hey thats what makes it fun :)

So now my two new classes started last Monday and so far so good! I was nervous thinking that they will get harder, which the have, but its been ok. I have an essay due tomorrow though! An essay in the first week! Yikes! But I will be ok. It will get done!

I just wanted to share with everyone that I am doing everything I have ever wanted to do! And I am doing it all on my own! YAY for me! :)

Don't belive everything you see...

Don't ask me if I'm ok. I don't want anyone to ask me if I'm ok. Cause if you do you're more than likely gonna get an honest answer. I probably won't say anything but the tears that quickly fill my eyes will be answer enough. From the outside I'm fine. From the outside you would never know that inside my world is falling apart.

I'm 26 years old, been married for three years and three months, have two beautiful kids, have a job I love and live in Vegas. What more could I ask for? Hmmm... how about a husband? Oh yea, I forgot I have one. He had my heart, ripped out, stomped on it and then spit on it all while laughing.

The last few months I think Ive been in denial. In denial that my marriage was failing. Yes I had left but in my mind we were just taking a break. Of course he was going to change. Of course he was going to come live with us, where ever we were.

There were days that he said he would move with us no matter what. Just give him time to get this in order. Then there were days that he told me to leave him alone and that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he'd talk to me like he never said that. I never knew what to believe. Do I believe the monster he had become or do I believe the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with?

The days he tells me he misses me and the kids are days that give me hope. Even though now I know they are only words and nothing will be done it still gives me the hope that my children will one day have a normal life with both parents. But the days he tells me to go to hell and never call again give me strength. It gives me strength because I know I am doing this on my own. I can do it. I will be ok.

Do I miss him? More than you can imagine. Do I love him? If I didnt I wouldnt care. Am I sad? I am losing the person I planned on growing old with, of course I am. Am I scared? Of growing old alone, yes. Am I strong enough to get through this? Hell yeah!

When Ray and I were married and living together there were things he would do that would drive me insane. Like how at night he tossed and turned for at least 30 minutes before he got comfortable enough to fall asleep. Or the way he bit his nails and made them make a nasty popping sound. Or the face he made when he was imitating me. Its all of those things I miss. I used to get so mad at night when he moved around that one of us would end up on the couch downstairs. He asked me the other day "If I were living with you there would I still be sleeping on the couch?" I said "I'd rather have you moving around in bed with me than be in the bed alone like I am now".

So, yea, dont ask me if Im ok. If I look ok then leave it at that. Cause on the inside Im falling apart. Completely and totally... falling apart. Yea when everyone is asleep, I cry, for hours sometimes. There have been plenty of nights that Ive cried for so long that by the time I fall asleep there arent any tears to cry. Yes, I know I need to snap out of it. Well, I've been trying for 5 months and it just hasnt worked.

Ray, the other day you said you missed us... well, when you start to miss us, remember, you're the one who let us go...