Warp speed ahead please....

Woo hoo! Mom is home and doing great! I talked to her yesterday and she said she doing really good except she looks like a train ran her over! She has lots of incisions but honestly she can look like scarface from head to toe and it wouldnt matter to me! She is alive and doing great! That's all that matters to me!
Christmas is less than a week away. I have no decorations no tree nothing. I bought each kid a couple things (family gave me money to buy them gifts) so at least they will have something to open. We are spending Christmas and Hristmas Eve at my mom's cousins house so we don't have to be alone. I have to say I am soooo depressed this year. Its my first Christmas without that ass hole of a husband and man it sucks. I think what sucks is that I think of what COULD have been. Not how it was but how it could have been. I hate to think about it but it just proves that the kids and I never meant anything to him. His family hates me and well the kids too... not so much Marcello but I know they dont care much of Francesca. I get so angry when I think of them. And how they treat me and my daughter like shit. They treat the crakhead brat (Ray's first daughter, Hannah) like gold though. They adore Marcello but thats cause hes the first grandson. Like when Francesca alls at night to talk to her dad and hes not there, so you think they ask her how she is or say they miss her or love her? hell no. They say 'hes at the store, call his cell phone'. Thats it. Nothing more. Its fucking sad when my daughter has to say 'i love you' to these people just cause she wants to hear it back. I hope they all rot in hell, every single one of them. Burn fuckers burn. I TRY not to say too much in front of my kids but I hope to God that they grow up and see that they are assholes. I can't wait for the day I hear my daughter tell them to all fuck off.
Well, this set of classes is almost over and I can NOT wait! I HATE my classes right now. And I mean HATE. I am slowly but surely working my way to a better life though. Thats what matters to me. Since its obvious no one is gonna take care of me I have to know that I can take care of my self... and that's exactly what I am going to do...

Money can't buy happiness? Your full of shit...

Wow... a month already huh? Over a month. Well, not too much has changed this past month. That I can think of anyway. Christmas is quickly approaching and I can't afford it. My kids won't get the Christmas they deserve because some stripper and beer loving fuck head won't pay child support cause that other shit is more important. It's two weeks before Christmas and my house doesn't have one God damned Christmas thing up. Not one. I hate Christmas this year. I hate it more than ever. I have bought my kids one gift each. That's it. Thanks to an awesome friend of mine that is a freaking angel my kids will ahve more than one gift each. Of course my family will buy them stuff but it's not the same. I have so little money this year I was considering getting used toys for them. That's just pathetic. I know that the holidys arent about getting toys and lots of them. try telling a 5 yera old that when thats all they hear in school. I dont want my child to feel that she was bad this year because all she got was one or two things from Santa. I do teach her what Christmas is really about but at 5 years old you don't care.
No the world doesn't revolve around money... well actually it does... but whatever. Who ever said money cant buy happiness was fucking full of shit. Overflowing with shit. where would any of us be without it? Who gives a fuck who loves you when your eating from garbage cans. Who gives a fuck how smart you are when your at the shelter because you were 100 bucks too short on your rent payment. No one. Thats right. If I had money I could afford to pay my gas bill so maybe I would turn the heater on when it's 32 degrees outside. If I had money I might be able to have more than two pairs of pants to wear to work. Maybe if I had money I could take my kids to go see that Christmas light show down the street. If I had money I could buy my daughter the Barbie and Magical Pegasus that she so desperately wants. But instead Ill put the kids in bed with me so we can stay warm, I will wear the two pairs of pants I have and hope they dont rip, I will show them the lights on the houses on the way home from work, and I will buy Christmas gifts at the 99 cent store.
Money wont buy happiness huh? Right. The lies people tell to try to make someone feel better. Don't fucking lie to me... I hate liars. I hate assholes. I'm begining to hate life. I am so proud of myself that I got out of an abusive relationhip. I started school, got a great job and have awesome kids. I couldnt be more proud of that. But... I hate my life. I have nothing. I have a roof over my head for now. I have some food, not much though. I don't have gas to get to work tomorrow morning. I have 4 dollars in my bank account. I dont get paid till friday. And when I do I have to save 75% of ti to pay rent so I dont end up in a shelter.
All I do have are my hopes and dreams. I can't let them go. The saying "Never take away a person's hope - it may be all they have" is very true. I think my kids and my hopes and dreams are the only things I have that keep me going. Although, like I told my friend the other day. I think I'm scared of scomething good happening. I am so used to things going wrong that it will fuck up my cycle. It will throw me off.
Then as though my life isn't bad enough. I found out Monday that my mom, who remind you is 45 years old, has to have triple bypass surgery. TRIPLE. What the fuck is up with that? All I do is pray that everything will be ok. I can't lose her. If I lose her I swear I will give up. She is the one that has given me the strength to do everything I've done. I can't do it without her. I know the surgery will go fine but fuck she's way too young for this shit. God had better not take her from me before I'm like 80 years old. If he does I am not sure I will believe in much. Especially myself. Anyways, if you can pray for her. I know she will be ok. She's awesome... You can read all about her and her heart attack in the July 2nd post.
I guess that's my update. I told you nothing new has happened, I did have the kids pictures taken and OMG are they cute! Here's one just in case you wanna see them ;) They are what I live for...