Don't belive everything you see...
Don't ask me if I'm ok. I don't want anyone to ask me if I'm ok. Cause if you do you're more than likely gonna get an honest answer. I probably won't say anything but the tears that quickly fill my eyes will be answer enough. From the outside I'm fine. From the outside you would never know that inside my world is falling apart.
I'm 26 years old, been married for three years and three months, have two beautiful kids, have a job I love and live in Vegas. What more could I ask for? Hmmm... how about a husband? Oh yea, I forgot I have one. He had my heart, ripped out, stomped on it and then spit on it all while laughing.
The last few months I think Ive been in denial. In denial that my marriage was failing. Yes I had left but in my mind we were just taking a break. Of course he was going to change. Of course he was going to come live with us, where ever we were.
There were days that he said he would move with us no matter what. Just give him time to get this in order. Then there were days that he told me to leave him alone and that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he'd talk to me like he never said that. I never knew what to believe. Do I believe the monster he had become or do I believe the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with?
The days he tells me he misses me and the kids are days that give me hope. Even though now I know they are only words and nothing will be done it still gives me the hope that my children will one day have a normal life with both parents. But the days he tells me to go to hell and never call again give me strength. It gives me strength because I know I am doing this on my own. I can do it. I will be ok.
Do I miss him? More than you can imagine. Do I love him? If I didnt I wouldnt care. Am I sad? I am losing the person I planned on growing old with, of course I am. Am I scared? Of growing old alone, yes. Am I strong enough to get through this? Hell yeah!
When Ray and I were married and living together there were things he would do that would drive me insane. Like how at night he tossed and turned for at least 30 minutes before he got comfortable enough to fall asleep. Or the way he bit his nails and made them make a nasty popping sound. Or the face he made when he was imitating me. Its all of those things I miss. I used to get so mad at night when he moved around that one of us would end up on the couch downstairs. He asked me the other day "If I were living with you there would I still be sleeping on the couch?" I said "I'd rather have you moving around in bed with me than be in the bed alone like I am now".
So, yea, dont ask me if Im ok. If I look ok then leave it at that. Cause on the inside Im falling apart. Completely and totally... falling apart. Yea when everyone is asleep, I cry, for hours sometimes. There have been plenty of nights that Ive cried for so long that by the time I fall asleep there arent any tears to cry. Yes, I know I need to snap out of it. Well, I've been trying for 5 months and it just hasnt worked.
Ray, the other day you said you missed us... well, when you start to miss us, remember, you're the one who let us go...
I'm 26 years old, been married for three years and three months, have two beautiful kids, have a job I love and live in Vegas. What more could I ask for? Hmmm... how about a husband? Oh yea, I forgot I have one. He had my heart, ripped out, stomped on it and then spit on it all while laughing.
The last few months I think Ive been in denial. In denial that my marriage was failing. Yes I had left but in my mind we were just taking a break. Of course he was going to change. Of course he was going to come live with us, where ever we were.
There were days that he said he would move with us no matter what. Just give him time to get this in order. Then there were days that he told me to leave him alone and that he never wanted to talk to me again. Then he'd talk to me like he never said that. I never knew what to believe. Do I believe the monster he had become or do I believe the man I planned on spending the rest of my life with?
The days he tells me he misses me and the kids are days that give me hope. Even though now I know they are only words and nothing will be done it still gives me the hope that my children will one day have a normal life with both parents. But the days he tells me to go to hell and never call again give me strength. It gives me strength because I know I am doing this on my own. I can do it. I will be ok.
Do I miss him? More than you can imagine. Do I love him? If I didnt I wouldnt care. Am I sad? I am losing the person I planned on growing old with, of course I am. Am I scared? Of growing old alone, yes. Am I strong enough to get through this? Hell yeah!
When Ray and I were married and living together there were things he would do that would drive me insane. Like how at night he tossed and turned for at least 30 minutes before he got comfortable enough to fall asleep. Or the way he bit his nails and made them make a nasty popping sound. Or the face he made when he was imitating me. Its all of those things I miss. I used to get so mad at night when he moved around that one of us would end up on the couch downstairs. He asked me the other day "If I were living with you there would I still be sleeping on the couch?" I said "I'd rather have you moving around in bed with me than be in the bed alone like I am now".
So, yea, dont ask me if Im ok. If I look ok then leave it at that. Cause on the inside Im falling apart. Completely and totally... falling apart. Yea when everyone is asleep, I cry, for hours sometimes. There have been plenty of nights that Ive cried for so long that by the time I fall asleep there arent any tears to cry. Yes, I know I need to snap out of it. Well, I've been trying for 5 months and it just hasnt worked.
Ray, the other day you said you missed us... well, when you start to miss us, remember, you're the one who let us go...
posted by The Black Widow at 10:17 PM
1 Comments:
Get up dust yourself off…and keep trudging forward, just realize that everything you do has meaning and It will all come to light in time. And btw, look outside it’s just beautiful in Vegas today! Take Care!
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