Well hes here....

Thursday night was a huge disaster. He missed two flights and ended up getting to Portland close to midnight. Sorry but I am NOT driving 3 hours home at midnight. So we got a hotel room. The kids and I got the room and then waited until his flight came and then we picked him up. Things were good. He wasnt an ass and I wasnt a bitch. Francesca was sooo excited to see him! And when Marcello saw him he screamed at the top of his lungs "Dada!" and ran to him. He has been glued to him ever since. Its so cute to see how happy the kids are with him.

We left Portland at about 11 in the morning and well, I got lost and took the wrong freeway Ha... Leave it to me right? Well, I am actually glad I did go the wrong way cause we ran into a beautiful waterfall! I was in awe when I saw it as I have never seen one. We went up to it and I took a ton of pictures. It was really pretty. The rest of the drive was ok and there wasnt any argueing...

When we got to the house the ass started showing himself. He thinks he has to act stupid so everyone will like him. Really immature and has to *try* to be funny because he knows they wont like him if he shows the real him.

Well, today had to be the worst. He left with the kids to see what itme some movies started. Well, being the nosey and un-trusting (if that isnt a real word... it is now) wife I am I looked at his cell phone. I checked all the contacts and the calls made and recieved. Well, when he came home I asked who Sarah was, since he called her right before he was to leave and had her on speed dial. He said a friend of a friend. I know who Sarah is. She some girl he used to fuck, before we got married. Well, now my question is... did he call her after I left for *whatever* reason or had he been talking to her the whole time we were married? Well, he FREAKED out and said I was stupid and that I should just shut the fuck up and was really mean. I said why are you mad? Because I caught you? He then said I had no right to be looking in his phone and its none of my business what he does. Well, to me it is my business and I do have every right. We are STILL married. He doesnt wear a wedding ring so no one knows this really... He never has worn one. So um yes I do have that right. So he was pissed ALL day because I looked in his phone.

Big baby... Thats all I can say. If I hadnt been lied to so many times and screwed over by him then maybe I would trust him and maybe I wouldnt have looked in his phone. He asked me I would get mad if he looked in my phone... I said go right on ahead I wouldnt get mad at all cause Im not hiding anything. I never have. Ive never lied to him. Not about anything serious anyway... Hahaha

Ok hes back I will continue when I can :)

sheesh I adore my kids....

I am so glad my aunt and uncle decided to get a pool. It has been in the high 90's here lately and that is WAY too hot for me! Yeasterday and today I spent a good portion of the time in the pool. And man am I sunburnt! Francesca and Marcello are doing great in there too. Marcello is stil a little hesitant but after a few minutes he loves it. As for Francesca, shes a natural born FISH. That girl is awesome. She is starting to swim all by herself. She refuses to wear any of her floaties that I bought her. You know the paranoid mom that buys the kids every floating device imaginable and then makes them wear all at the same time? Yea thats me! Well Francesca wont wear anything anymore. Thank God she can reach the bottom!

Everything else is ok too... I guess. I applied for a "nanny" position at a place here that does all the screening and stuff. The money isnt bad either. I just think it sucks that I would have to leave my kids with a stranger so I can watch someone elses kids. Granted Francesca will be in Kindergarden starting September but its only half days. I really feel uncomfortable leaving my children with other people. Some one said so you want people to trust you to watch their children but you dont trust others? Damn straight. I trust myself. I know that I would NEVER harm a child in any way, shape or form. I dont know that about ANYONE else. I would totally understand if someone said that they wouldnt trust me with their children. I dont trust people. Have you watched the news lately? HEL-fucking-O! So yea thats exactly what Im saying... I dont trust anyone with my kids except my family... my CLOSE family. Period.

Today I spent most of the day with my cousins. Something I hadnt really done since I got here. They are so funny and make me laugh so much. My kids love being around my cousins so much. Before I moved here I was worried about how my 17, 15, 12 and 11 year old cousins would feel about having two little ones in the house. BUt they are so good with them! My cousin Jennifer takes Marcello swimming all the time. Kevin will help me tuck Francesca in bed sometimes. It is so neat to see them be so great with the kids. I can not tell how thankful I am to have such a wonderful and uncle that would allow me and my children to stay in their home. Especially just out of the blue!

Today Francesca told me something that almost made me cry. She always asks all silly if she can have "mommie hugs". That means just me and her hugging without interuptions (aka - Marcello) LOL She was on my lap and we were arguing over who loves who more... I told her I love more than she can ever imagine... She was quiet for a while and said "Mommie, I love you and I am so happy you gave me this life" I am not sure she knew what she was really saying but I just squeezed her sooo tight. To hear my 5 year old daughter tell me that after I have moved her around from home to home and took her away from her dad and all that, it means sooo much to know she is still happy. Sheesh that makes me so happy inside... My baby girl is growing up WAY too fast... I just realized she starts Kindergarden in just a month and a half!! Aww man.. shes growing up!!! :(

And Marcello sheesh... today I realized he understands EVERYTHING I saw. I mean EVERYTHING. Hes just so funny. After getting out of the pool I told him lets go take a warm bath. Then I stopped in the kitchen to get a drink and throw some stuff away. I was there for at least 5 minutes. Well, I was looking around for him and didnt see him. So I went upstairs to my room to get him and he wasnt there... I hear the water on in the bathroom. I go in and he is naked in the bath tub with the plug in and the water on. Hello Mr. Marcello. You are 2 not 10. Francesca still wont get herself in the bathtub! His vocabulary has grown sooo much in the past two months that we have been here. He says so much now. He says everyones name... Aunt Margie is Ma and Uncle Larry is rarry LMAO He says basketball, ice, pizza, hot dog, kitty, Eyeore (my cousins rabbit), nose, eye, ear, baby, cup, more, please, jay jay (my cousin Jennifer), Eh-Me (Jeremy, my other cousin), byebye, spongebob, care bears, elmo, blue, cheese... the list goes on forever. Of course he doesnt say very many of them perfect but I am so happy he can say them to where I can understand them! LOL I finally bought him a little potty too. He has been taking his diaper off ALL the time so I thought of getting him a potty. I never thought he would actually use it! Well like 10 minutes after I opened it he straddled it and peed... in the little cup thing... I was in shock! I just got it out so he could get familiar with it and he actually peed in it!! Today he was naked after the bath and he ran to it, farted and then started to poop. He wouldnt sit on the toilet to poop so I had to get a diaper on REAL quick. But I figure at least he knows what its for!! Woo hoo!! Maybe he will be potty trained before Francesca was! She was 3!!! LOL

I have to say I have two of the most beautiful kids! LOL I LOVE them more than I ever thought I could love anything... Its weird. I just want to gobble them up and keep them with me forever...

Other than all that there is no news LOL I am in a whatever mood... looking for work... which I hate. I did win 10 bucks on a scrath off lottery ticket though!! LOL I think I will buy MYSELF something with it! LMAO And wow... Ray comes in less than 2 days... Eekk.

One last thing... Mom, I know you read this every day or at least try to... I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart... and miss you sooo much! XOXOXOXO love, your baby girl

stupid girl....

As the day draw nearer I am regreting it more and more. Ray is to arrive in Portland on Thursday evening. I am tempted to leave him there. Portland is at least 2 hours away from here. With him never coming here there is no way he will find me.

I have no idea why I allow sucha monster to stay in my life. He has hurt me more than anyone I have ever known and I still allow him in my life. Just so he can rip out my heart, stomp on it and then spit on it all while laughing... or so it seems. There are days when he says hes sorry and that he needs me but there are still days that he is so mean to me I hate that I even know him.

He told me that yea hes one to two AA meetings but hes still drinking as much as he did before. I dont want this creature in my life. Why do I do this to myself?? I get so angry at him but in reality I should only get mad at myself for allowing it.

I know this is supposed to be a long "journey" of tourterous hell but come one now... I dont htink I need to stay here. I dont want this life for my children and I. I have no place to call home. I have no real job to provide for my half of this family. I have no education outside of high school and the fucked up school of life. Where am I gonna go that will make enough money to support us?

So many people say "money isnt everything" or "money cant buy you happiness"... Hello? You better bet your life it is and it does! I am not saying my life would be 100% better if I had all the money in the world but damn it sure as hell would be nice! I coudl buy a home, a divorce, a new car, a divorce, toys for the kids, a divorce... toys for me (a divorce) oh and did I mention I could pay for my divorce? Hahahaha...

Damn I am so not in the mood to write all this crap... I feel like I am always repeating myself so fuck it... You get the point... stupid girl puts up with and just complains about asshole husband but doesnt leave...

A Step Forward...

Ok well I have to say that the days following Sunday have been much better than Sunday itself! Nothing major has happened but tonight Ray went to an AA meeting. The first onehe has gone to, ever.

Ray has an airline ticket to come up here a week from tomorrow, the 21st. He is flying into the Portland ariport, which is about 3 hours from here. I told him that if he didnt do something for his "problem" byt the time he comes up here then he will find his ass in Portland for 5 days cause I will NOT bring him back here with me. ANd you had better bet your life I mean it. Well Monday was his last day off (other than this coming Sunday) that he has off of work. So he took monday and called places to see what he could do. Talk about waiting till the last minute. He said there are a lot of rehabs but he would have to stay there for 28+ days and he cant do that because of work. And the others were thousands of dollars. So I told him to call AA and see wat they can help him with.

Well, he went. He called me after and sounded so good. He says hes really glad he finally took that first step. They gave him all kinds of resources and the best part - its FREE!! He can go every night if he wants. They also gave him resources to other stuff that will help him out.

I can only pray that he follows through with this. It is crazy how nice hes been (other than Sunday). I am sooo happy that he made that first step. I know it is going to be a LONG road but I am silling to help him through it if he is willing to help himself... So, please keep us in your prayers that we can work through all these problems... I really hope we can...

what a day...

July 10... Our anniversary...how pathetic that we couldnt even make it to 3 years. I talked to Ray today and he didnt mention it at all. I finally said "You know today is our anniversary right?" He said "Yea" and that was it. I was like wow... ok.

My aunt, 4 of my cousins, my kids and I all went to this place that had bowling, go karts, golf, games and all that stuff today. Francesca got 800+ tickets so she got a purple carebear... The one I wont spend 10 dollars on cause it costs too much, but also the same one I spent 32 bucks on to get tickets to get the darn thing... What the heck is wrong with me? LOL At least she had fun. She rose the go karts with my aunt and had a blast! Shes sooo like me! The faster the better! Shes totally my girl. Marcello wasnt too happy that he couldnt go though. He loves stuff like that too. I cant wait till they are older and appreciate this kinda stuff...

On that note I am so sick of beingnice. Why is it that I try to be the best and nicest person I can and still get slapped in the face. I did everything I could to keep my husband happy. I cleaned, cooked, took care of the kids, let him spend hundreds on fantasy sports, let him watch what he wanted on TV, if he said to do it I usually did. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to have a happy family. I NEVER asked much from Ray. NEVER. I was so unselfish its pathetic. I sat there for months while he was gone to military school... fucking around with God knows who... while he lost two wedding rings. I sat there again for months, pregnant this time, for 6 months while he was in Iraq... I sat there while he looked me straight in the face and lied to me. I sat there when he told me that his family comes first. I sat there when he told me that the car was his and the money was his cause he was the only one working. I sat there as he told me I had to clean up after his family because we were living in his parents house. I sat through so much shit its discusting.

Ray has no idea how much he has hurt me. The right hooks hes thrown are nothing compared to the emotional pain he has caused. When I think about what I have done for him and how he has treated me in return it physically makes my heart hurt and makes my stomach get all knotted up. My mom has always told me to never judge until youve heard both sides of the story... I know my side. So I asked him what I have ever done to deserve any of this. He said nothing. So basically I get all of this for loving him and trying to be the best wife I could be.

I dont think Ray has ever really loved anyone. I dont think he has ever loved someone enough to be hurt by them. I know that I have been hurt by more people than I can count. And why? For being nice? For caring about them? Apparently so.

I am sooo not the type to say "poor me" but for God's sake... maybe I should start being a total bitch, then maybe people wont slap me in the face. I dont knwo what to do anymore. I dont want to be a bitch cause really thats not who I am. But I am so sick of being nice and being screwed over...

I must say I do live with this wall around my heart. Its not an easy wall to break through either. Somehow, and as God as my witness I have no idea how, Ray got through that wall. Now I wish he would find his way out of it... I said so many times I dont love him anymore. Im not sure if thats true. Or maybe its that I want him to love me. Because I know he doesnt, I say I dont love him. I have no idea. I just wanna give up on the whole thing.

I never admit it but Im so incredibly scared. Of everything. Im afraid of not waking up in the morning, of losing my children to the heaven above, of living my life alone. Im afraid my parents wont know how much I truely love and adore them. Im afraid of forgetting what it feels like to fall in love. Im afraid to see my children get hurt. Im afraid my children will hurt others. Im afraid of my children getting sick, really sick. Im afraid of not having any more children. Im afraid my marriage wont work, and Im afraid that it will.

I just want everything to stop. Right now. I want to start over. I dont want to know what it feels like to be loved or to love. I dont want to understand what they mean when they say your life changes after kids. I dont want an anniversary. I dont want a birthday. I dont want to live here or anywhere for that matter. I dont want the car I drive, I dont want the life I live. I dont want to be alone. I dont want the heart full of pain. I dont want the mind thats full of hatred.

OK well I am hoping this is just a July 10th thing. I would hate to feel like this every day... I must stop as I am starting to feel a little psycho... As full as I am of disgust and hatred I wish this feeling on no living creature... Its torture to your heart...

Jubilee's mug shot :)

No news today but I did want to post a picture of the new kitty! She is just the sweetest thing! She loves to sleep with Francesca in her bed LOL Here is Jubilee! Shes only six weeks old and you can see how tiny she is! She is on a standard size pillow LOL

I just HAD to!

Happy 4th of July everyone! Ok so I am a few hours late... Im a mom of two I am allowed to be late! I had a great day today. I played all day with the kids, hung out with the family and well... got a new addition to the family. She's 6 weeks old and is a scute as can be!

We went to Walmart ot buy fireworks and well there was a girl with free KITTENS! I was just *looking* and fell in LOVE with one of them. She's got long hair and is all different colors. I had to talk to my uncle to make sure it was ok so I had them hold her for me. I ran straight home and asked my uncle. He said ok!! Well I told Francesca that I got a surprise for her but she had to clean her room first. She whined and moaned but she did it.

So we went back to Walmart. I told her we had to get some "stuff" for our cousins rabbit... Well, we got a litter box, litter, a collar, toys, a kitty condo and I think thats it. She kept saying mom thats for a cat. I kept having to say well aunt Margie wants it for the rabbit! hee hee She fell for it and everything. It was so cute when we went back to the firework stand and the girl saw me and grabbed the kitten... then I told Francesca go over to that boy (he was next to the girl and had grabbed to the kitten to take it to me) and he has your surprise. She walked over there and looked at the kitten and then at me back and forth... It was soooo cute! I dont think she believed it was for her. This cat is sooo cute! Shes TINY! Francesca named her Jubilee after her favorite X-men character. The kitten is adorable! Shes already box trained too!! WOO HOO for me!! Francesca has her in her room and is just in love with her. SHe fell alseep with her on her bed all snuggly. I took some pictures and will *try* to get them posted in the next few days.

I have wanted a kitten soooo bad! I think I say I got it for her but really its for me... The cat LOVES Francesca and I... She really fills that empty hole in my heart... Shes so gosh darn cute! :)

Who are the angels really watching over?

Everyone has someone in their life that gives them the strength, support and love they need to live everyday life. Whether it be a friend, a family member or someone they have never met, everyone has someone. Well, I am lucky enough to have 6 of those people. Anyone who knows me should be able to name all 6 people in a heartbeat. And well if you don't know, they are... My two moms (YES I have two beautiful incredible moms), my dad (whom I adore), my best friend (Frankie, who is my everything, although he probably doesn't know it) and of course my two kids (who are my heart and soul)... Now when you almost lose one of those people your life almost ends.

A few years ago my father found out he had cancer. The first time I heard my step mom say it I think I instantly went into shock. He wasn't given very long to live and wasn't doing too well. He has had the maximum amount one person can have of any form of radiation and he's gone through chemo. Now when you are 21 years old and you hear this you tend to block most of it out. I never saw my father while he was in the hospital because I refused. My dad was coming home. I didn't need to visit him in there. And two if anything did happen I didn't want to have the last time I see him be in that situation. I wanted to remember my dad when he was healthy... not the one dying in a hospital because of some monster that was eating at him on the inside and that wouldn't go away. Thank the Lord that my dad has been cancer free for a few years and is doing sooo good it amazes even the doctors.

Just a few days ago I got a call early in the morning from my moms cell phone. I ignored it because I was still in bed and had a headache. Well, a little while later I got another call from her cell phone and ignored it again as I was just waking up and still had a headache. Now remind you I NEVER EVER ignore a call from my mom. NEVER. So, I jumped in the shower, got out, got dressed and then called my moms cell phone. Well, a guy answered. I figured it was my brother because my step-dad is working out of town so why would he be answering my moms cell phone? "Christian?" I say. "No, this is Chris." Chris is my step-dad. I don't remember exactly what was said but I do remember him saying that he was the one that had been calling me. I was a bit confused and said "Umm,ok" And then he said if I wanted to talk to my mom. Well... ummm... sure... The next thing I hear is my mom in a voice that I will never in my life ever forget say... "Hi baby girl." I said something like hi mom and I have no idea what else. After what I heard next I seemed to have lost conscience or something cause I don't remember much. My mom said "Tanya, I had a heart attack" My moms voice was not her own, it was like she was dead. I was almost about to hang up and drive the 14 hours that it takes to get to her. I wanted to hold her and tell her everything was gonna be ok. Or maybe I wanted her to hold me and tell me everything was gonna be ok. I don't know. I do remember saying "Mom, shut up". I didn't want to hear this news. I wanted to hear that she was ok. I wanted to hear that she was calling me to tell me she was coming to see me or that cat did something funny. I did NOT want to hear that she had a heart attack. She told me that she was going to be ok but that doesn't help when you just heard your mom tell you that she had a heart attack. She told me that one of her arteries was completely blocked and that they tried to open it but couldn't. And I remember her telling me they were transporting her to another hospital. By this time I am hysterical but cant let my mom know that. I tried with all my heart to stop crying long enough to get off the phone. Well, she told me that she wanted to tell me that she loved me and that my step dad would call later that night when I was off work. I told my mom I loved her and that I would be waiting for her call.

As soon as I hung up the phone I sat there bawling my eyes out like I have never done before. I had just started an amazing relationship with my mom nearly 5 and a half years before and Ill be damned if anyone or anything is going to take her away from me. I sat there for about 5 minutes not knowing what to do with myself. I knew what it felt like to almost lose my dad... and now possible lose my mom? I immediately called my step mom who works in a hospital. I was crying so much that I was barely able to spit out "Mom" when she answered the phone. "Tanya?" she said, probably not knowing it was me because I couldn't even breathe. I finally spit out that my mom had a heart attack and that was it before I could barely breathe again. I told her that this isn't supposed to happen to her. She's not even 45 yet. Well, I talked to my step mom for about 20 minutes while she calmed me down and told me that everything was going to be ok. She explained to me what they were more than likely going to do to my mom and what would probably happen. I was a little bit calmer after I got off the phone but the rest of the day was a nightmare.

I called into work and told my Team Lead that I wasn't coming in because my mom had just had a heart attack and she seemed more pissed off than anything. Tough shit bitch. I'm not going to work unless you want me on the phones crying and not doing any good there. The rest of the day I sat in my room and cried and played on the computer talking to friends. I don't think I could have made it through that day without my friends on here. I sent messages through all the groups I belonged to for people to pray for my mom. I think she must have had 200 people from these online groups praying for her.

I don't remember the phone call that night at all but I do know my mom was doing better and that she hadn't been able to move for almost 12 hours so she wasn't comfortable. I was just glad to hear that she was still alive. I talked to her the next morning and she sounded soooo much better. My mom pulled through. My mom will be okay. She will be on a strict diet and have to exercise and all that good stuff but she will be ok.

My mom and I didn't talk much while I was growing up. I lived with my dad and my step mom and saw my mom on occasion. My mom was young. She was 18 when she had me. My dad and her split up some time later. My step mom and my dad got married 20 days before my 4th birthday. I didn't really have a close relationship with my mom until I had Francesca. I was 20 when I had her.

My mom was caught up in some bad stuff and made some bad decisions in life. Who hasn't? I am so proud of my mom and the woman she is. I can only pray to grow up to be just like her. I cant even explain my mom. She's incredible. She's a strong woman. She's a smart woman. She's a bold woman. She is 100% real. I don't think I have ever met anyone as real as my mom. Things have happened in her life that would ruin most women. Things she never deserved. My mom doesn't use any of that as an excuse for anything. If you met my mom I don't think you ever would guess that she had a life that was anything less than perfect. I'm sitting here trying to think of a way to explain her and I cant... She's just awesome.

I really have no idea what I would do if I lost any of those 6 people that mean the world to me. Since my dad is cancer free and after all the medical things he's survived I have said that my dad has lots of angels watching over him. He has angels upon angles. Now I can say that about my mom too. She has angels watching over her. I know I am not ready to lose either of my moms or my dad. To me I am still a baby and I need them here to help me and to take care of me. I am not ready to be without them. I think God knows he has to keep them here with me and the more I think about it, I'm not sure the angels are watching over them. I think they may be watching over me...