Feelings... nothing more than feelings...

While driving home from work yesterday I caught myself dancing and singing in my car while I was driving. Yea you know one the weirdos that you slow down for just to look at? Yup that was moi. I stopped after about 10 minutes thinking what on earth is wrong with me? Why am I so happy? Maybe it was the summer solstice, who knows. For the rest of the 20 minutes on my way home I thought about my life. I used to think I had the worst life ever. My dad and I never use to talk and he wouldn't let me go out like all the other kids so of course I had the worst life ever lived.

I look back now and thank God for the life I've lived. My father and my mother got divorced when I was little, although I don't know the whole story, I am happy they chose what was right for them. I got a wonderful step-mom out of it so I can't complain. And although while growing up my biological mom wasn't around much she is one of my very best friends now. I thank God every day for giving me the wonderful supportive family I have. I have no idea where I would be without them.

July 10 2005 will be three years that I have been married. Three years ago I decided to build my life around the fact that I will be spending the rest of my life with this man. Now that I am not with him physically I feel an empty place in my heart. It is not and will never be completely filled until he changes his ways. I can say though that my family has helped fill that empty space and I really have no idea how I would have done all of this without them. I really doubt I would or could have.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.. maybe a little less. When I found out about it I felt my life shatter. Although I was far from being close to my dad I couldn't stand to think of losing him to something as horrible as cancer. My dad was in the hospital a few times and I never went to see him. Part of me said that I didn't have to because he will be home in a day or two. The other part of me said I didn't want that to be the way I remembered my father. My father is now cancer free and I pray he NEVER has to deal with it again. He has been given the maximum amount of radiation one person can get in a lifetime so I hope it NEVER shows its ugly face again. I adore my dad now more than ever.

I don't remember much about any other family members, outside my immediate family anyway. I cant say I regret not knowing them but I do wish I knew more about my own family. How can I know myself when I don't know my family? So many people are without families right now. So many people are lost ina world of drugs, sex or money that they forget what really matters. I have to explain to my daughter almost everyday that the reason I go to work isn't so I can buy the Barbie that just came out or take her to the earliest showing of Star Wars. It's because I have to make sure I can feed her, clothe her and make sure she is safe. So many people forget what life is really about.

I know I have complained that I don't have all the things I want and that I haven't had the best luck. I think I realized that I have all it takes to be happy. I have the love and support of my family and friends. I have two healthy beautiful children. My husband even told me today that he really has gotten to thinking and that by the time he comes up here in three weeks that he will have gotten into counseling and rehab. I really hope thats true. And even if its not I am still happy. I have a life that I like right now.

I guess my whole thing is that I really hope you all realize how important you are. Make sure that you come first. Keep your family close. You never how long they are gonna be around. Let go of all the grudges you have. What good are they anyway? Your the better person if you say you are sorry. Your the happier person if you live life they way you should...

Make sure you give all your family a sign today, may it be a hug or just a hello, that you love them... It makes the world a better place...