Sending myself flowers :)

Well, everything has been the same ol around here... Working... sleeping and well sitting here in front of this box. The only thing to report is that Ray will be coming to visit us from the 21st to the 25th. I have to say as much as he has put us through I am happy we get to see him. I know it will take a LONG time for him to chage, if ever, but he has shown a little progress these past few days. He said 'I love you' for the fisrt time in almost 4 months. I didn't say it back because I am not sure if I said it I would be telling the truth. That is one thing I will not lie about! LOL

Even though he has shattered my heart and then stomped on it with his big ass combat boots he has taught me a lot of things about myself. I always knew I was one person most people wouldnt want or like to piss off but I never really realized how strong of a person I am. People have been telling me that they are proud of me and that I am such a strong woman to have made the choices I have made. I never realized what they meant. I knew but never thought anythign of it. I ahve always thought that this is somethignI ad to do. No one ever gave him the right to hurt me or my children or to make my life a living hell. Why am I strong for leaving? I thought about it last night as I laid in bed with a crying grumpy almost 2 year old that just had 3 shots and a finger poke with a fever and sore legs. I guess that many women that were in my situation dont leave. They all have thier own reasons, some cause they are scrared, some think they will be lonely and some are just plain stupid. What ever thier reasons they dont leave. I stuck around for as long as I did because I was scared. I was scared of what my family would think because they only saw the happy smiling me and never the me that got tormented by my husband. I guess I picked up my skirt and grabbed my balls (gotta love that movie!) because I am a strong person.

I believe in what I believe and thats it. I will never try to make you believe what I believe and I expect the same from you. I have learned so much about myself in the last few months it scary. I feel like I didnt know myself before. I think before I was a lost soul waiting for someone to find me. I have learned that I can be happy as a single mom. I can love living in the middle of... hickville... for lack of better words LOL I've learned that I can wake up at 530 to be at work at 7 on a Saturday morning. I learned that I dont have to pretend to be happy when Im not. I have become a better person because of all this. I know I live my life trying to be the best person I can.

I am human, I will love my husband forever regardless of what he did, does or will do but that does not mean I have to accept it. I am the one that says I will not forget but I will forgive.. one day. Ray told me before I left that he hopes I "kick ass" while Im here in Oregon. He said he hopes I am happy, work, and spend time with the kids. I told him I will do everything... I will work, be happy, spend time with the kids, and so much more. He said he hopes I do because then it will prove that it was him that was holding me back from being the person I really am. Well, I have dont everything I said I was going to and then some. I hope when he comes to visit he will realize this and see that he needs to change his life too.

His birthday is Sunday... and our 3 year anniversary will be on the 10th. I doubt he will remember our anniversary... not that it matters, I guess. Maybe he will send me flowers... or a card... HA wishful thinking I suppose LOL Maybe I will buy myself some flowers :) Thats a GREAT idea!! :)

Feelings... nothing more than feelings...

While driving home from work yesterday I caught myself dancing and singing in my car while I was driving. Yea you know one the weirdos that you slow down for just to look at? Yup that was moi. I stopped after about 10 minutes thinking what on earth is wrong with me? Why am I so happy? Maybe it was the summer solstice, who knows. For the rest of the 20 minutes on my way home I thought about my life. I used to think I had the worst life ever. My dad and I never use to talk and he wouldn't let me go out like all the other kids so of course I had the worst life ever lived.

I look back now and thank God for the life I've lived. My father and my mother got divorced when I was little, although I don't know the whole story, I am happy they chose what was right for them. I got a wonderful step-mom out of it so I can't complain. And although while growing up my biological mom wasn't around much she is one of my very best friends now. I thank God every day for giving me the wonderful supportive family I have. I have no idea where I would be without them.

July 10 2005 will be three years that I have been married. Three years ago I decided to build my life around the fact that I will be spending the rest of my life with this man. Now that I am not with him physically I feel an empty place in my heart. It is not and will never be completely filled until he changes his ways. I can say though that my family has helped fill that empty space and I really have no idea how I would have done all of this without them. I really doubt I would or could have.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago.. maybe a little less. When I found out about it I felt my life shatter. Although I was far from being close to my dad I couldn't stand to think of losing him to something as horrible as cancer. My dad was in the hospital a few times and I never went to see him. Part of me said that I didn't have to because he will be home in a day or two. The other part of me said I didn't want that to be the way I remembered my father. My father is now cancer free and I pray he NEVER has to deal with it again. He has been given the maximum amount of radiation one person can get in a lifetime so I hope it NEVER shows its ugly face again. I adore my dad now more than ever.

I don't remember much about any other family members, outside my immediate family anyway. I cant say I regret not knowing them but I do wish I knew more about my own family. How can I know myself when I don't know my family? So many people are without families right now. So many people are lost ina world of drugs, sex or money that they forget what really matters. I have to explain to my daughter almost everyday that the reason I go to work isn't so I can buy the Barbie that just came out or take her to the earliest showing of Star Wars. It's because I have to make sure I can feed her, clothe her and make sure she is safe. So many people forget what life is really about.

I know I have complained that I don't have all the things I want and that I haven't had the best luck. I think I realized that I have all it takes to be happy. I have the love and support of my family and friends. I have two healthy beautiful children. My husband even told me today that he really has gotten to thinking and that by the time he comes up here in three weeks that he will have gotten into counseling and rehab. I really hope thats true. And even if its not I am still happy. I have a life that I like right now.

I guess my whole thing is that I really hope you all realize how important you are. Make sure that you come first. Keep your family close. You never how long they are gonna be around. Let go of all the grudges you have. What good are they anyway? Your the better person if you say you are sorry. Your the happier person if you live life they way you should...

Make sure you give all your family a sign today, may it be a hug or just a hello, that you love them... It makes the world a better place...

Neverending Story

Well, I am sorry I haven't updated in a while. I started working this past Monday. Wow does this crap take a lot of you! Finally yesterday I got to start on the phones. Today we were on the phones pretty much all day. I have to say it's pretty fun. There are people who want to talk to you and there are some that hate you and hang up on you but oh well...

Yesterday was pretty funny. On the phones I am the nicest sincere person you can imagine. People probably dont think I can be so nice and professional but I can. Well, I called this house and a young boy, about 9, answered. I asked if so and so was home and he said no. I asked if there was a better time to reach him. The kids said later this evening. I said thank you so much and we will call him back then. Now I can really hang up the phone on a person so I usually have to wait until they hang up. SO while waiting for him to hang up I started making note of the call back. All of a sudden the kid said "bitch" and then immediately hung up the phone. I kinda laughed because he sounded like he was trying to be tough. I found it funny that people who dont even know me think Im a bitch! Yay! Im doing my job!! :) Then today my last call of the day was the hardest... LOL It went on FOREVER. The lady kept telling me all this stuff about her car. She was mad but laughing and stuff. It was time for us to leave and she just kept going and going. Finally I got her off the phone and got to clock out 10 minutes late LOL oh well... stupid people, sheesh.

Other thanthat there isnt any news to report. I have to work 6 days this week... I don't find that very cool at all. I will ahve sunday and monday off though. I miss spending the days with the kids but I guess I do have to work to take care of them if I am going to do this on my own. Well, I am exhausted so I am going to go watcha movie with the kids. I will try to update more often for all you daily readers ;)

Exit Stage left...

Well, BIG news! I quit Starbucks!! I am positive you all are surprised! I went for the interview on Friday and got the job! Yay! I have an awesome schedule and it's VERY flexible so thats great for me! I will be working from Tuesday through Saturday though. It seems like a pretty easy job so it's all good. My boss seems super nice and she's from Cali too! She said there's a bunch of us Cali people there! Woo hoo!

I have decided that I HAVE to take Ray to court. I will be filing for divorce and taking him to court to get child support and custody. I tried to buy diapers yesterday and I couldnt because he has the account overdrawn. He just has to go the bar and to a Dodger game... all with his girlfriend of course. It's pretty sad when everything else comes before your children. I told him the second you fuck me over finacially your dead. And I mean that. I will screw his ass so bad in court he'll wish he was dead. I have copies of ALL his documents. I copied everything before I left. I copied his discahrge papers that include all the times he fucked up. Ive documented the times he hit me, the times he's hit Francesca and the ALL million of the time that he drank and was shit faced drunk, and all the times he's spent all the money at bars. He's so dead it's not even funny. There is not a judge in the world that would grant him anything other than supervised visitation. And that's all I will allow.

Ray told me that he couldn't give me money because he has to pay for daycare for his daighter. I really don't give a flying fuck. I told him to call her mom and get money form her and then he hung up on me. :::GASP::: How dare I mention the Goddess name and ask say to her for money :::faint::: Shit I should know she needs to shove it up her nose. Like I said if his bitch ass mom is gonna pay for one kid she should pay for them all. Fuck that shit. That whole family can go to hell. I'm super mad that it's all come to this but I should have expected it from them. They hated our daughter and me from the beginning. And if they don't like Francesca they don't like Marcello either. I hope they all die and suffer a long painful death like fish out of water...

I told you I'm a bitch... If you aren't strong enough to handle that, then exit stage left. NEXT!

Just a big ramble... and a big step....

Well, today was a long day. No one ordered a tall skinny anything, thank the Lord. Half way through the day I thought about quiting. I can't stand being 25 years old working with high school kids. And yes they are kids to me. They are sooooo fucking lazy! Well, I promise I wont be there long. If I don't like it I'm not staying, period.

Other than that today was a big day. I finally took of my wedding rings. You would have thought I did that a long time ago huh? Well, it hurt too much. From the day I got married I can't think of a time where I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. I had taken the engagement ring off so a diamond can be replaced but my wedding band never came off. I loved my husband with all my heart so I figured I should keep it on. Granted, Ray NEVER EVER wore his. He had one when we got married and then about 3 weeks after he lost it. Of course he says he was playing with it and they were in a field drinking (he was in A-school for the military) and it fell off. Since it was in the middle of the night he couldn't find it. That was right around the time he spent 155 dollars on a hotel room. Uh huh... I believe him... don't you? HAHA right. Then he bought himself a new one and then lost that a few months later on the ship. I think he lost it cause he never kept it on. When Ray was in school and he lost that ring, he sent me diamond earrings... when he came home from school he brought me a ring, a necklace and a bracelet. Guilty? You betcha. I never thought for one second that he bought those things cause he loved me. He wanted to look good. He was guilty of something...

I am a bitch. Period. Fuck with me and/or my kids and you are going to wish you never existed. I do not forgive and I sure as hell don't forgive. I stand up for what I believe and no one can change my point of view. I am what I am, take it or leave it. I may be single cause of the fact I think it's my way or no way, but I am proud of that. People have told me that if I don't change my way of thinking I may be single forever. That's fine with me. If they like living their unhappy lives thats fine with me. Just don't comlain to me about it! True, I may never be happy, but that's my choice. I was fucked with, I've fucked and theres no use in crying over spilled milk. We live and learn. I have learned it's all about me. And my kids of course.

Ok so I'm rambling a little. Point is, I'm a bitch. Deal with it or leave... and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. As for my wedding rings... they are put away in a memory box. My husband doesn't deserve me wearing them. He is no longer my husband in my eyes. They are for my daughter to have when she is older. Maybe my son. I don't think I can ever get rid of them. Francesca won't ever wear it after she's married because it wont be her wedding ring. Her husband will buy her a ring the size of Texas anyhow... I demand it. Marcello wont need it either cause if he loves the woman enough, he will buy her what she wants. Yea yea I know I'm not materialistic BLAH BLAH BLAH

Wow.. It was such a huge step I stumbled.... but I'm ok....

Moving on up... I hope...

Today was a great day... finally!! Well, since I do not like the Starbucks thing I decided to look for another job. Yes I am keeping that one until I get a new one. I applied at Isky. It's a customer service position. I would be calling people who have just bought or had service on different types of vehicles. From Bentley to Jeep to Honda to BMW all of them. I will one of those annoying people that call at dinner time asking if you have time to take a quick survey. Yes I know you love me ;) What the heck do I care if I ruin your romantic evening or stop the fight you and your husband are having? Not my problem. Hang up on me! I don't care. I get paid for it! Hahahahaha... Too bad for you. I need a good paying job and if that's it then woo hoo for me!

I went in to fill out the application. I had it filled out in 5 minutes. The receptionist asked if I had time to take a few tests. Well, my dear, of course I do! She said they would take about an hour. Great. Sounds like a ton of fun. I did a typing test, a grammar test, a spelling test, and a test to see how well you browse the internet. Oh please. I am a genius if you look at those scores! I had them completed in 15 minutes. She then had me role play. Fun I tell ya! I had to pretend I was calling her and read off the paper... Hello, may I please speak to Ms. Gardner? Hi Ms. Gardener this is (name here) from Isky. I am calling on a recent purchase you made through (company here). I would like to ask you a few questions on your experience with (product name here), is that ok? BLAH BLAH BLAH..." See, I'm already an expert. She marked excellent on all the boxes and said "I see no problem with you getting on... Be here on Friday morning at 9 am for an interview." Yay for me! Moving up in the world... I think.

I do work at Starbucks tomorrow and no I haven't read ANY of my book... I guess I should. I am going to work there till I am hired on Friday. Pretty confident huh? Yea, I am. I'm the best at everything I do. Humor me. I am NOT looking forward to working tomorrow. I work from 8 am till 430 pm. If I hear one person order a tall skinny anything I'm gonna scream.

Hopefully Friday I will post that I have a new job... One where I can bug the crap out of people while they are eating dinner the same way the bug the crap out of me... Smile!

You want a tall skinny WHAT????

Well, where do I begin? I started working at Starbucks yesterday. Man am I NOT used to standing on my feet for 9 hours!! I got there, watched a movie about the Starbucks roasting process(quite interesting, surprisingly enough LOL)... and then I was thrown out in the wild to fend for myself. My manager left. I was there with a guy that reminds me of an ex boy-friend and two girls that obviously werent very intelligent. Ok I am NOT stupid by any means... but when some fuck head comes up and orders a tall skinny Macchiato with whipped cream and caramel at 195 degrees with no sleeve... sounds like something found on the corner of downtown Vegas... So here I am dumbfounded at what this 200 year old man has told me... I have a paper in front of me with register codes to a million different things, I find the Macchiato, I hesitate to ask my co-workers what the rest means. I give in, otherwise this old man will die of even older age right at my register. They talk to me like Im stupid. I was there for an hour and a half... how am I supposed to know all this crap? I may be from LA but Im a smart one... I dont buy the overly priced stuff! If someone else is buying then hey Im all for it... I get a Frappachino and thats it! Nice and simple... Now how the heck are you REALLY gonna know if the "barista" (ok coffee girl) heated your coffee up to 195 degrees or not? PA-LEASE I hung in there the rest of the day. There were times that there were 15 people in line and no one to help me. I would write the wrong codes on the cups for the "barista" to make and it was MY fault... well no one taught me the codes for that! So to piss them off I would write the WHOLE name out if I didnt know the code. I am ALL for awesome customer service but its the co-workers I hate...

As for the rest of my life, the kids are doing great and I think I am getting used to the single life. No I dont go out and party like I used to, but I do feel like I am starting over. I feel like God has given me the chace to make the needed changes in my life. I love that feeling. I love freedom and independence. Its AWESOME. I am no longer the pissed off bitch I was... I feel really good right now.

The feeling of being happy is overwhelming to me... I havent felt this way in so long. I hope it lasts....

How unfair... No one wipes MY ass....

Ok, today there is good news! Last week I got hired at Safeway as a cashier. The pay wasn't that good and neither were the benefits, though it was a job. Well today I went in for orientation and the guy said I could work for Starbucks (inside of Safeway) instead if I wanted to. The pay is 10 cents more an hour LOL and the benefits start after 30 days. And I wont have to pay union fees cause its not union! Yay!!! Ummm hello? More money, and not have to pay dues!! I'm all over it!

When I came home from there my daughter opened the front door all excited and told me that Marcello (21 months) had cut his finger with a knife. I'm pissed. My uncle was watching them so I wanted to know what happened. He said that Marcello got in the drawer and grabbed the knives and put one in his mouth. He carefully took it out and then tried to get the other one out of his hand. He was holding the blade. And when he tried to pry his fingers off of it Marcello squeezed harder cause hi to cut himself. Now yes I am pissed that he was able to get to the knives but I guess accidents happen. Though I don't like the fact that he wasn't watching him and he got them in the first place.

I was talking to a friend (luv ya sweetie!) and she said that I should try to find daycare cause I can't come home to dead kids LOL Well, she's totally right. My cousins will be watching them and the oldest is 18. I thought wow I guess I should look into it. My friend told me that my husband should pay half. HA! He is having his parents pay for half of his daughters daycare for the summer cause he's too chicken shit to get child support from his daughters mom. Well hey, I thought it would be nice if his parents paid for half of these kids' daycare too!! Oh no wait! They never do for these kids what they do for that other one. This has been an ever going argument with Ray and I.

When I found out I was pregnant with Francesca Ray didn't tell his family about her, I didn't either so whatever... After Francesca was born they NEVER NEVER NEVER called to see how I was or how their grand-daughter was. Never did a damn thing. Granted they did drive from Whittier to Barstow all the time to pick up their other grand-daughter. They always talked to her and always saw her. The first time they even saw Francesca she was a little over 2 years old. How pathetic. From what I was told ray told them that I didn't want Francesca to see them and that I kept Francesca away from everyone. That is such bullshit. I would call Ray all the time to see if they (or he) wanted to see her but of course he would tell me that they didn't want to see her and he didn't either. Wow... quality people huh?

They paid for Rays daughter to play soccer and were gonna pay for her to go to Catholic school. The would do anything for her. They bought her clothes from GAP cause GOD for-fucking-bid any kid born into that family wear anything but name brand clothes. They bought her tons of stuff. Now remind you I am NOT a materialistic person (regardless of what anyone thinks - I'm not) but I think its really unfair to do that kinda crap. And of course the love and affection is the same way. Well, I'm lying. Francesca gets left out a lot. Marcello is everything to them... After that first grand-child of course. He's the first boy! He means something.

It bothers me a lot but I have let it go cause I know that my two kids get more love and affection from me to account for a million people. My children know that their mom loves thema nd will do anything to make sure they have the best life possible. Rays other kids mom really is into drugs, she's been in and out of jail, she's had numerous pregnancies (although only one child), she's been beat, she's been molested, she's just plain psycho and that poor child will learn that sooner or later. I know my children don't have to. Although they do share the same messed up alcoholic father. Wow... that sucks... for him.

So needless to say I KNOW that they wont pay for half or any of these kids' daycare. That's ok though. I don't need or want them to. All I want is them out of my life. I am an adult and I don't need my ass wiped like my husband does. Apparently he still hasn't learned to do it on his own.

So, yay! I have a job, my kids, and lots of family and friends that support me... And damn what do you know... I can wipe my own ass too!

I can finally breathe...

Well, I talked to my husband last night. I called to bitch him out on why he spent 28 dollars at the movie theater and 12 dollars at the ice cream shop. Yes, sounds petty I know. I called to find out who he is going out with. He's the worst liar in the world.

A week before I decided to pack my things and leave, my husband got a phone call from a girl that he knew before he met me. He says she was just an old friend. I had met her before and she's not the greatest person. Granted I've only met her a hand full of times from what I've heard out of my husbands mouth she is NOT a good person. She would do anyone and anything to get drugs. Including my husband. Yes they slept together one time (supposably once, and from what he says, before him and I even met). Well I found out that she had called a few weeks prior to that phone call and his mom answered. He wasn't home. But she did give him the message, without me knowing. And of course he called her back, again without me knowing. I found all this out when I was there when she called this time. I was furious. First my mother in law can go to hell for not telling the bitch that he's married (the girl knew this cause I told her a LONG time ago when she had called) Second my husband can drop dead for calling her back. My husband has always been a liar, and not a good one at that. So, when I called about the movies I wanted to know who he went with. I know it wasn't his daughter as he said it was. One adult and one child ticket does NOT cost 28 bucks. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid.

I then asked my husband if he has called or made appointments to get help for his drinking problem. He got mad and said that he couldn't talk. Of course he can't. Someone might really find out how big of a fuck up he is. He proceeded to tell me that he's been too busy. Too busy paying bills, working, finding out about his daughters daycare for the summer... and apparently going to the movies and buying overly priced ice cream and pizza. As he was telling me this it was a huge slap in the face. I couldn't help the tears that suddenly started falling down my face. Was I not that important to him. Are his two beautiful children not that important?

I was so angry, more so at myself than him. How can I be so stupid as to want to try to make it work? I've given what I can. I've done what I can. I will no longer hold my breath hoping that things change and get better. At the moment he said he was too busy I realized that I have to move on. I can no longer waste my time. I will be 26 in August. I don't have time to mess around with a fuck up like him. I deserve so much better... The funny thing - I KNOW this. I sat up for about 2 hours after that late night phone call thinking of how much he has hurt me. Another slap in the face. Getting slapped in the face seems to be a normal occurrence these days.

I can't wait for the rest of life to begin. Especially now that I can finally breathe again....

A pretty face with a stone cold blackened heart....

Ican't even begin to tell you how sick I am of pretending that my life is wonderful now... That I am happy with all that Ive chosen. No Im not happy that I am 1000 miles away from everything Ive ever known. No, I am not happy that I am no longer 10 miles from Nordstroms with the MAC counter so perfectly set at the entrance. These are the choices I have made and I AM happy I made them.

It's a whole new world to me. One I never imagined myself in. If 10 years ago someone would have said my life was gonna be like this I would laughed... and ran the other direction. When I was 18 I was so full of life and energy I dont know how anyone kept up with me. I was always wanting to go out and have fun. I didnt have a care in the world about anything. I think I was happy then. Things have happened that made me change my views on life. I was so fast to love and so fast to give everyone a chance. I've learned my lesson... the hard way, of course. I no longer want to love, I no will no longer give chances, I will no longer put up with the shit that people like to dish out. For now, if you want to be a permanent fixture in my life you live by my rules... It's my turn now.

Theres a person inside me that wants to come out. The person that laughs all the time and is happy with her life. A person that has a heart full of love and laughter. The real me. Very few people know the real me... very few meaning one if any. It wont be an easy task but if anyone chooses to attempt and succeeds at filling my heart with happiness will have my heart forever.... But as for now I am just a pretty face with a blackened heart of stone.